Ferrets Are Aliens

Decoratign With Poop

10 Commandments of a Ferret

 Ferrets Are Aliens

By Meg Carpenter

Not long ago, when I left my laptop sitting unattended for just a moment I returned to find that my ferret Sweet Pea had typed: hlpgrrrrdmrthrrrrrrrqwedsgggggggpp;kddddddd. I examined the message carefully and translated: "Help Mother Ship." And I had an epiphany. (I always wanted to have one and finally I did.) For it was at that moment that it all became clear.

Our ferrets are aliens. Suddenly, so many things made sense. Ferrets don't relate to life as we know it on this planet. A trait, by the way, that they share with teenagers whom I also strongly suspect are alien life-forms. Their behaviour is erratic: they destroy our possessions, have obsessive fetishes, perform wild tribal dances, communicate with unseen beings, interfere with all our activities, collect and hide our personal effects and much more. They don't behave like any other earth creature. And, of course, there's the endless debate on their origin. Well, debate no more, they are from another planet!

There's evidence of alien visitors since Egyptian times and I think this is when the ferret first infiltrated our planet. Subsequent UFO sightings and accounts of alien communication are clear signs of the ferrets' attempt to contact their home planet. Surely they're required to report back their findings, as well as turn in the earth artifacts that they've so diligently stowed away.

In all probability, their home planet (wherever that is) is in desperate need of rubber and other textiles such as vinyl and leather. Shoes, socks and plastic baggies must be especially scarce. It isn't the pilfering of the odd sock or credit card that has me worried, however. It's that they have learned how to control our minds! 

Ferrets exert a strange hypnotic power that reduces us to their will. We devote much of our lives to ensuring their health, comfort, entertainment, and overall happiness. We drop everything to scratch their ears, empty their litter pans, and provide their favorite treat, and all the while they have us totally convinced to be grateful for their company! We are reduced to alien-ferret slaves. We've been conquered, and we don't even know it!

And to think I would never have figured this out if Sweet Pea had not attempted to contact the Mother Ship. Now I just have to figure out why she was calling for help! But I am not going to take any chances. Whatever my ferret wants, she gets. Who knows what could happen if she turns in an unfavorable report on me, I could be ferreted away to some strange planet! If you know what's good for you, you'll do everything in your power to keep  your ferrets happy.

Decorating With Poop

By Mira (Translated by L. Vanessa Gruden) in: "Paw Printz" July-August, 2001

Very few humans realize that we ferrets have a highly evolved sense of aesthetics. Our surroundings and living conditions are very important to us. This is why certain items such as stuffed toys, squeak toys, and car keys must be put away in proscribed places. Humans imagine we are STEALING these items! Not so! We are arranging these knickknacks and collectables in a pleasing manner that will improve the beauty of our surroundings as well as contribute to the harmonious feng sui of each room.

One of the primary tools ferrets have to decorate with is poop. Some humans do not give us many toys; some place their plants and car keys in areas where we cannot reach them. Some ferrets simply do not like to decorate with manmade items, and prefer to enhance our environment with the bounty that nature provided to us. But whether a ferret uses poop exclusively or integrates it in with their other decorating schemes, poop offers us the opportunity to decorate in a truly personal way.

Here is an overview of some of the ways ferrets can use poop to create a variety of design styles.

Traditional-Poop in corners

Some might call this style boring, but I believe it has a solid dependability about it that feels very comfortable. It hearkens back to a simpler time, when ferrets were ferrets and litter boxes were unknown. A few ferrets will poop in the same corner time after time until the pile reaches great heights; I feel this is taking the easy way out and recommend these ferrets broaden their horizons by integrating other styles into their homes. The formal way to deposit this poop is to stand stock-still in the corner, head high, searching the sky for predators.

Modern-Short poops all over the floor

At the opposite extreme is a style that I think really reflects the busy, active lifestyle of today’s ferret. Who has time to stop and deposit a great big pile? Run, run, run, take a cell phone call, and leave a little poopie. The danger here is that the overall effect can feel scattered and random. I worry that ferrets who only utilize this style are similarly scattered and indecisive in other areas of their lives. “Slow down!” I say to them. Relax and try another style. Your home and your bowels will be the better for it.

Surreptitious-Hidden poops under furniture

This is a popular style with those ferrets who are nervous or shy. Perhaps they have an irrational fear that their human will “erase” signs of poop and in a way, “erase” their own existence. Trust me, humans can never fully erase your decorating! Scrape and scrub as they may, some residue always remains. Maybe some ferrets think they won’t look adorable while they are pooping-again, this is just nonsense. Ferrets look adorable doing ANYTHING. Free yourself! Come out into the open and poop smack in the center of the rug. It’s GOOD to experiment with new effects!

High Traffic-Pooping in front of the door

This is a style which really can compliment any of the above noted decors and still serve as a personal statement. “Protest pooping” has a long and classic history in the ferret world. It is closely related to “Pooping in the hallway” and the time-honored “Pooping right in the middle of the floor.” To me, each has a distinctive aura about it that says, “Hey world! I have spirit and an adventurous fashion sense.”

Expansive-Pooping outside the cage

An athletic and supple ferret can manage to decorate OUTSIDE their limited environs and spread their artistic skills far and wide. I don’t have a cage, so I can only admire this style from a (safe) distance.

Eclectic-A smooth meshing of various poop styles

This is a method easiest to attain if you have a multiple ferret household, where you will often find clashing personal visions at work. But it is not impossible for a single ferret to achieve! With effort, you can amaze your humans with your ability to poop in many ways and many places.

Using a Litter Box-Ha ha!

Exclusively using the box a human has provided for you to decorate in is so rare that I include it merely as an example of what you absolutely should NOT do. Really, if you have so little imagination that you want to only use that box and not your entire environment as a landscape for your decorating skills, you don’t deserve to be a ferret-you deserve to be (shudder) a CAT.

10 Commandments of a Ferret

Source: Ferret Brasil / Translation and Adaption: Patricia Uellendahl - 2004