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Grieving
the Loss of a Pet
By
Margaret Muns DVM - Printed with permission
Grief is the normal response to any important loss in
life. It occurs regardless of whether death followed a prolonged
illness, or a sudden accident. Grieving people experience both physical
and emotional traumas as they try to adapt to the upheaval in their
lives brought about by the loss.
Psychologists have long recognized that the grief
suffered by pet owners after their pet dies is the same as that
experienced after the death of a person. The death of a pet means the
loss of a non-judgmental love source. There is no longer anything for
the pet owner to nurture and care for. Furthermore, the owner looses
his or her contact with "the natural world." These feelings can be
particularly intense for the elderly, single people and childless
couples,( for whom the pet also is a child substitute).
THE STAGES OF GRIEF
In truth, the process of grief is not a cut and dried
process that can be subdivided into strict categories. Rather, the
grief process is a continuum, with each person experiencing it in a
different way. Dividing the grief process in to "stages" helps the
grief stricken person to understand that their experiences and emotions
are normal. Some people will quickly progress through all the phases,
while others appear to get "stuck" in a particular phase. Briefly, the
stages of grief are as follows:
1. SHOCK AND DENIAL
The reality of death has not yet been accepted by the
bereaved. He or she feels stunned and bewildered-as if everything is
"unreal."
2.ANGER
The grief stricken person often lashes out at family,
friends, themselves, God, the Veterinarian or the world in general.
Bereaved people will also experience feelings of guilt or fear during
this stage.
3. BARGAINING
In this stage, the bereaved asks for a deal or reward
from either God, the Veterinarian or the Clergy. Comments like "I'll go
to Church every day, if only my pet will come back to me" are common.
4. DEPRESSION
Depression occurs as a reaction to the changed way of
life created by the loss. The bereaved person feels intensely sad,
hopeless, drained and helpless. The pet is missed and thought about
constantly.
5. ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance comes when the changes brought upon the
person by the loss are stabilized into a new lifestyle. The depth and
intensity of the mourning process depends on many factors. The age of
the owner, circumstances surrounding the death, relationship of the
animal to the owner and to other family members, are all significant.
Recently experiencing the death of a significant person in the owner's
life can also affect how the pet's death is handled. Usually, children
recover more quickly, while the elderly take the longest. Sometimes,
the death of a pet will finally enable the bereaved to mourn the loss
of a person, whose death had not yet been accepted.
PET LOSS AND CHILDREN
Many people do not realize how traumatic and confusing
death can be on a child. Although children tend to grieve for shorter
periods of time, their grief is no less intense than that experienced
by adults. Children also tend to come back to the subject repeatedly;
so extreme patience is required when dealing with the grieving child.
Some helpful tips for helping the grieving child include:
1. Giving the child permission to work through their
grief.
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tell their teacher about the pet's death.
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encourage the child to talk freely about the pet.
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give the child plenty of hugs and reassurance.
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discuss death, dying and grief honestly.
2. NEVER say things like "God took your pet," or the
pet was "put to sleep."
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The child will learn to fear that God will take them,
their parents or their siblings.
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The child will become afraid of going to sleep.
3. Include the child in everything that is going on.
4. Explain the permanency of death.
DO PETS GRIEVE?
What many people find hard to believe is that animals
can form very firm attachments with each other. Even pets that
outwardly seem to barely get along will exhibit intense stress
reactions when separated. In fact, grieving pets can show many symptoms
identical to those experienced by the bereaved pet owner. The surviving
pet(s) may become restless, anxious and depressed. There may also be
much sighing, along with sleep and eating disturbances. Often, grieving
pets will search for their dead companions and crave more attention
from their owners.
How can an owner help the grieving pet? By following
the following recommendations:
1. Keep the surviving pet(s) routines as normal as
possible.
2. Try not to unintentionally reinforce the behavior
changes.
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if the pet's appetite is picky, don't keep changing
the food. All that does is create a more finicky pet.
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don't overdo the attention given to the pet(s) as it
can lead to separation anxiety.
3. Allow the surviving animals to work out the new
dominance hierarchy themselves.
4. Don't get a new pet to help the grieving pet(s)
unless the owner is ready.
Should the owner let the surviving animals see and
smell their dead companion?
There is no evidence that doing so will help the
surviving pet(s), but some people claim that it does.
Usually, all it accomplishes is to make the owner feel
better. Therefore, if the owner wants to have the surviving pets "say
good-bye," then it should be allowed.
HEALING
Given time, healing will occur for the bereaved owner.
However, there are several things that the grief-stricken owner can do
to help speed up the healing process:
1. Give yourself permission to grieve.
2. Memorialize your pet.
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makes the loss real and helps with closure.
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allows the bereaved to express their feelings, pay
tribute and reflect.
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draws in social support.
3. Get lots of rest, good nutrition and exercise.
4. Surround yourself with people who understand your
loss.
5.
Learn all you can about the grief process.
6.
Accept the feelings that come with grief.
7.
Indulge yourself in small pleasures.
8.
Be patient with yourself.
9.
Give yourself permission to backslide.
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it WILL end and your life WILL be normal
again.
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grief is like waves in the ocean: at first
the waves come in fast and hard, but as time goes on, the waves become
less intense and further apart.
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don't be surprised if holidays, smells,
sounds, or words trigger a relapse.
10.
Don't be afraid to get help.
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pet loss support groups
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grief counselors.
11.
Be sure to consult your own "Higher Power."
CONCLUSION
Grief
is probably the most confusing, frustrating and emotional thing that a
person can experience. It is even more so for pet owners. Society in
general does not give bereaved pet owners "permission" to grieve
openly. Consequently, pet owners often feel isolated and alone.
Luckily, more and more resources are becoming available to help the
bereaved pet owner realize that they are NOT alone and that what they
are feeling is entirely normal.
Margaret
Muns DVM is the staff veterinarian on the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary
forum.
http://bestfriends.org
References:
1.Lagoni,
L., Butler, C. and Hetts, S: The Human-Animal Bond and Grief WB
Saunders, Philadelphia 1994. Chapters 2 and 10.
2.
Oblas-Walshaw, S: Consoling Bereaved Clients. Proceedings, 12th Annual
Seminar for Veterinary Technicians, Western States Veterinary
Conference, 1983
3.
Malay, M: Grieving the Loss of Your Beloved Pet . Pamphlet distributed
by Community Service Systems, Fairview, Pennsylvania
4.
Guntzelman, J. and Riegger, M. : Supporting Clients Who are Grieving
the Death of a Pet. Veterinary Medicine Jan 1993
5.
Hetts,S et all: Do Animals Grieve? Loss and the Companion Animal.
Perspectives Nov/Dec. 1994
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